I love Him I love Him not Not
by Actrise
Summary: A friend means a lot. Someone you can trust and over the years, love, always as a friend. Does friendship though... really exists? Yaoi. RikuSoraSoraAxel. Don't like don't read.


**I love him... I love him not. Not.**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Kingdom Hearts or any of the Final Fantasy characters. If I did, the series would be filled with yaoi scenes. Duh.

**Summary: **Sora finds himself stranded in the middle of nowhere, between questions, bitterness and someone he thought he had lost. Someone he wants to lose, but can't let go of.

**Warnings: **Strong language, yaoi (I'll try to work this out), etc etc. If you don't like it, then please do not read it.

**Author's Notes: ** I never published any of my stories, simply cause... well... Um they were a bit extreme. Gotta love RoxasAxel, SoraRiku, lovin'... Anyway, this story will be unfold in first person view. Might change that later but we'll just have to see. Oh, btw, sorry for the crappyness. This is my first time writing yaoi and publishing it so I'm not quite accustomed to it... Bear with me. 'Nuff rumbling. On with the story!

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**Chapter One**

I never thought any of this would ever happen. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm as straight, as anyone can ever be, but I suppose there are a few things that slipped through my grasp in the... manual. I swear, If I could go back in time, nothing of this would've happened... Sometimes I think that I wanted it, thus caused it, but then... on the other hand... I feel like - or rather felt - I was being forced into this. To make myself believe that nothing of this was true, that he kept seeing me the same way as before. That I was still as precious for him as I thought I was. I caused this, dragged him down with me. My selfishness and arrogance. No... I have no regrets. I just wish that things would still be the same after this, after everything I caused.

It all started when Riku found himself a nice girlfriend. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was and still am happy for him. He'd still spend lots of time with me. Nothing had changed. Yet. In our last year of high school, Riku would distance himself from me. From our whole group of friends. Everybody noticed, no one said anything though. Why would they, they know how Riku is, anyway. With a "fuck off" or "what the fuck do you want anyway?" would answer to each and every question asked about this whole thing. I never was one to ask him though. I just sat aside, minding my own business. This was something I already knew. After high school, everybody would leave, we'd scatter. Whoever thinks of keeping their friends after graduationg and still keeping the things same between them, is a fool. I always believed that and as usual, I was right.

I glanced at the people sitting around the lunch table. The usual sight, the usual people with their usual smiles, expressions and, of course, habits.

"Hey Selphie! Stop stealing other people's fries, dammit!"

"But I'm too bored to wait at the line!"

"That's no excuse!"

"...You're not being serious now, right?"

"...Course not, here have more fries!"

"Tidus, you're such a dork, haha!"

Selphie grabbed a handful of Tidus' fries, leaving him with a pout on his face. Everyone laughed. That was the usual scene happening at the cafteria of our school. I sensed a hand at my back and felt Kairi's breath warming my ear.

"Sora, you're awfully quiet. Is something wrong? You okay?"

I turned around to face her. Beautiful. I always thought that Kairi was hot to no extent, still she'd remain single. Everyone would tell me how 'kawaii' I look with her by my side, something which I hated. I'm not 12 so I don't need to get hooked up with someone, especially when I don't think it's time still.

"Yeah, everything's cool."

I replied stretching my arm and stealing a few of Selphie's fries she had placed on her plate.

"Hey! That's not fair Sora!"

"Check mate."

I replied, winking and stuffing the fries in my mouth, schewing with my mouth open so that she could see her precious fries being snatched away and devoured by me.

"You're gross..."

She replied and turned to take a few more of Tidus' fries.

"Hey FUCK OFF!" Tidus snapped and scoutched three sits away from Selphie.

"I thought you didn't mind!" She said fibling her fingers. So typical of her, trying to be cute and sensitive. NOT!

"I don't, but I'll starve later on, I mean c'mon! Here, take one dollar and devour the whole frying pan!" He replied, having to yell a bit cause he was a bit too far away, which was hilarious. His blonde spikes could be seen as the rest of his face was covered behind the bowl of fries. I laughed and sat up, passing past our table towards the cafeteria. I let my food slide down my disk into the garbage, as I grabbed the soda that was also slipping. I placed the disk on the counter and turned to leave, but then...

"Ouch..."

"Fuck, sorry" I looked up and my eyes met with aquamarine ones. I gasped. Suddenly I felt my stomach twisting and the hand I was holding the soda with was shacking. I grabbed the soda with both my hands and kept my cool, feeling the icecubes from the inside of the paper cover, giving off a nice feeling.

"Hey" He said. Calm as always.

"Hi." I replied and turned around to leave. It wouldn't be that easy, as I thought... I felt a strong hand grabbing me from my arm and turning me - once again - the other way, being _forced_ to stare into those eyes again..

"Avoiding me?" He smiled. A smile of sarcasm... I knew that all too well now.

"Me? You might want to take another look around the room again." I snapped back, I didn't mean to. I don't know why the fuck I said that. I sounded annoyed and bitter, the kind of loser I never wanted myself to be.

He let go of my arm and took his neutral look again, titling his head a bit so that his silver locks wouldn't be in his way.

"What if I don't want to take a look around, Sora?" Annoyed. He sounded annoyed. Dammit.

"Whatever, I gotta go." I turned around and started walking quickly towards the exit.

"Hey Sora!" I heard him calling after me. I stopped and turned around, seeing him jogging towards me. Reminded me of the old days actually... He always had to keep me in line. A part of me, smiled on the inside. Another, broke apart.

"Hmm?"

"What class do you have next?" He asked.

"Nothing. Home." I replied bluntly.

"Umm... We still have 3 more hours?"

"I know, I'm skipping." I answered again in a quick tone, making him understand that I didn't wanna be around him. But why...? I wanna be around him... I wanna be around him like I used to be...

"Oh... Feeling sick?" He asked, kinda worried, I could tell. Riku's always been easy to read. Hell, after 10 years of friendship, it'd be weird if we wouldn't know each other.

"Concerned?" I asked him, smiling. Smiling...? No.. this was fake. A fake.

"Course, you're my buddy, remember?"

_Glad you still remember_

I was about to say what I was thinking, when...

"Riku!"

We both turned around. A blonde girl ran and literally groped Riku, snuggling on his chest. She was so fast, I couldn't even see her passing in front of my eyes. I blinked several times, before setting my eyes on them finally. Her, snuggling and him... caressing her back and kissing her forehead lovinlgy. Sick. Annoying. On purpose. What..?

"Hey baby..." He said, kissing her lips. She kissed him back and when they broke apart I could see a faint glossy shine on Riku's lips. I'd be surprised if he wouldn't have it. His lips seemed surprisingly juicy suddenly. All sparkle-ish and pink. I kicked myself mentally for thinking this way about him... I mean, I'm straight and he is too so there's nothing more to it.. I'm just jealous I suppose... I've always been jealous of Riku.

"Later." I said and left in a hurry. I heard him trying to protest, but Namine stopped him. In the noise of the cafeteria I could only hear her saying "-of him all the time!" If I was gay or bi, I would had stopped and listen to them both arguing over a subject unknown to me, but, I'm neither, so I kept walking. None of my concern, they could both go to hell for all I care.

It was good leaving school early... No annoying people at the entrance, making noise, with skateboards, bikes, cars or whatever. No annoying girls acting like sluts and drooling over the guys and said guys actings as if they're the hot stuff. Pffft. I was so glad that high school would be over soon. I'd never have to see those people again. I texted my friends, telling them I was leaving. I told Kairi to try and cover up my absense in class, make it seem not-so-obvious. I knew I could trust her, Kairi might be slim and look like a "don't touch me" girl, but in fact she was good at keeping secrets and being a good friend. That's the only way I could ever see Kairi as. A friend.

Now I didn't care about what was happening around me much. I had to get home quick and get ready for work. The lousy work I had but needed. Who would pay my internet bills, clothes, games etc I'd buy each month? Not my mom, that's for sure. I rushed through the door. No one at home. Suprise, surprise, she never was here anyway. I'd start thinking that she got ran over a truck or something. Which... wouldn't make much of a difference. I was used to having the house to myself. Bliss...

I relaxed on the bed a little and stared at the ceiling. I loved doing that, time seemed to fly by each time I'd do that. Soon, it was time to get up again and leave for work. I was looking forward to it today. I knew that Axel would be there. Axel used to come at the last minute and keep company to his friend that was working there. He's not an employee or anything, he just hangs out around there and when Demyx would get off they'd leave together. I thought that they had some sort of realtionship, I mean... not friends only relationship. It turns out they didn't. Demyz told me he was a homophobic, which didn't quite adibe... I could see Axel staring sometimes. All in all, I have quite a decent time with him. He always picks on me, especially when I'm about to leave. He comes upstairs to the office and gives me a hard time taking out the garbage... I mean he _always_ gets in the way. I had fun though, I gotta admit that.

We were once again closing, so I bent over the counter, trying to get at the other side of the store and of course, Axel couldn't help but comment.

"You like beding over a lot, don't you?"

At first I didn't mind his comment, why would I? Guys joke around a lot like that. I just smiled and gave him the middle finger laughing. He just shrugged and said "Thanks for the wish!"

_Ah... Now it makes sense_

As I was closing the door, a guy with a pink shirt and tightass jeans passed by and Axel couldn't help himself again and commented:

"Boy was that one fag!" He started laughing his brains out. I couldn't really grasp the punch line so I decided to be the one that'd pick on him for a change.

"Maybe you're a fag too, but afraid to admit it, HA!"

I laughed, but realised no one was laughing along. I stopped and looked at Axel. Did he looked kinda red or was that just his hair? Whateve,r I wouldn't mind that now.

"Sora, go up and take the garbage down, please." Demyx kindly ordered. I liked the fact that Dem wasn't some bitchy boss that most of the bosses we had were. I obliged and went up the stairs.

"Damn it's hot.." I bent over and changed the garbage back with another one. Not very pleasan I know... I turned around suddenly. I could hear someone climbing up the stairs. I smirked. Axel.

"Oh Sora! I'm coming up to rape you!" He exclaimed. I couldn't help myself, I laughed and let out an "ooooooooooh!" still laughing and gigling. He caught up with me as I was closing the window that was next ot the desk. I turned and stoob by the desk, supporting myself with one hand, touching the warm wooden surface of the table, smiling and smirking at him. Axel came real close, so close I could feel my face burning up. What's wrong with this guy all of a sudden?

"So... you got a problem with bi people, Sora?" He asked. Talking about an out of nowhere question...

"No, course not." I replied, laughing lightly, feeling a bit uncomfortable as he kept staring into my eyes. That intensive green was intoxicating...

"What about gay people?" He asked again two out of two.

"I got nothing with people that choose to be something else than straight" I said, smiling.

"Ah, that's good to hear." And with that I felt my lips burning up.

_What the fuck!_

Axel... was kissing me. Literally kissing me. I wanted to back away, push him away. Yell, scream, say how gross he was, that I was offended, that I was straight, that I was... quite aroused by his actions. I couldn't move. I didn't do anything. We weren't touching elsewhere, just our lips. Me, with my eyes open wide, staring at the redhead in front of me. He had his eyes closed, seemed so peaceful. I still couldn't find myself kissing him back.

When... I felt his tongue tracing my bottom lip and gasped, to this, Axel smirked and shoved his tongue into my mouth. It felt warm... sweet. Pepper. I couldn't hold back.. I didn't want to anymore. I started caressing my tongue with his, silently, not making a sound, not laying a finger on him, still with my eyes open, in shock. In shock, but still somehow, I didn't want this to end. I saw him smirking as he opened his eyes. Now we were kissing, him biting and nibbling my bottom lip as I licked his upper lip. The outline of his lips, his tongue... I couldn't stop. I felt him tracing a finger down my cheek as he pulled away and rested his finger on my swollen lips. He kissed his finger and smiled.

"See you'round."

And with that he left. Left me there, standing on my own, not quite sure of what I'd done. I couldn't even think straight anymore and then suddenly felt the annoyance between my legs.

"God fucking dammit it..."

I mumbled and rested on the desk, gasping for air. I liked it... oh god, I loved it... It was different.. It was soft but at the same time, sharp, filled with lust, passionate. Bitterness... Riku... I looked up. No. I can't. Not Riku.

The same night, I was laying on my bed, recalling what had happened between me and Axel. The sensation, the mixed feelings and--

_RIIING!_

"Who the helll?"

I reached for the phone and answered.

"Ello."

_"Hey.."_

_Shit!_

"Ah, hey Riku." This was not happening... It all seemed like a setup somehow.

_"Thought I'd call my old buddy to chat a bit. Like old times, you know."_

"Yeah, it's just that I'm not a girl. Only girls sit on the phone talking about nothing inparticular."

He laughed. It wasn't a fake. I guess knowing that I can't see his expression makes him feel better. That's always the case. Knowing someone can't judge you by the look of your face, simply caue they can't see you, is always quite convinient.

_"Anyway, haha, anything interesting happened to your wonderful life, recently?"_

Again the sarcasm. Should I tell him..? Should I tell him about the kiss, should I? Before I could stop myself, I had already formed the phrase. Shit! No! Stop! He'll never talk to me again if I tell him! He'll push me aside, god dammit!

"Well, I had this interesting kiss with a guy at work. Haha" I laughed. Nervous. Stupid. A FUCKING MORON!

_"...What?"_

_What the...? He sounds... annoyed?_

_"WHAT?"_

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**And this completes the first chapter. Kinda tool ong I know, I'm sorry! The next one won't be as long. R&R appreciated and that includes comments P Also, suggestions would also be nice. OH, if you're gonna flame, don't bother reviewing. Not gonna read it D It might take a while to update, cause of work and all. Thank god I just finished high school, haha. Anywayz, PLEASE REVIEW! offers chocolate and vanilla cookies **


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